Because November is national adoption month, I thought I would dedicate my first post in November to talking a little about adoption and some of the things we've learned through our adoption experience. Some of this is very personal; however, we hope that by sharing it, it can be of help to someone out there.So here goes [deep breath]-- a very edited (meaning we've left out the most private of details so they aren't floating around in cyber space) version of our story and some of the things we've learned from it:
Mike and I were married in 2002 with the knowledge that there was a "possibility" we may never have children of our own. That possibility became a reality on May 19, 2003 when we received the results of a test which confirmed the absolute certainty of our infertility.
I saw Mike cry for the very first time that day.
The news was beyond devastating. We stood alone in our living room that day and just wept into each others arms until our shirts were soaked through. We were heartbroken and felt like the future we had always envisioned for ourselves had suddenly come crashing to a halt. Our hearts ached at the realization that we would never have children of our own. We would never know what a child created by the two of us would look like. We would never get to experience pregnancy, get to feel a baby kick, have an ultrasound, or hear a little baby's heartbeat. The saddest realization was that we would never get to experience the beautiful and spiritual moment in the delivery room when we first see our children and they are each placed in our arms for the very first time. Our dreams seemed shattered!
And then we felt It.
As we stood together in mental anguish, unsure of what our future held, we became completely enveloped by the love of our Heavenly Father. We were not alone. He was with us, mourning with us. Amidst our sadness and pain, we were encompassed by His peace. His arms were around us, assuring us that this was part of His plan for us and that everything would be okay.
"Trust Me" was the simple phrase He spoke to my heart that day. It's the same phrase that burned within my heart with baby Mac's tragic death. It's the same phrase I hope will continue to burn within my heart throughout every difficult situation, minor or major, I will experience in the future because it is what saved me.
He asks us to simply trust Him.
As we've look back on how things have transpired in our lives as a result of the news we received that day, we can honestly say that we wouldn't trade our experiences for anything. Having biological children would definitely be a blessing and a wonderful opportunity, but we are not bitter at the fact that we can't. We don't feel sorry for ourselves or feel hurt or jealous when loved ones announce they are pregnant. We feel blessed. Blessed that we have been chosen to experience the miracles of adoption!
Only those who have adopted or have been apart of the adoption process in some way can fully understand the wonders that take place. Adoption enables you to see so clearly the hand of God working to bring eternal families together. It seems that Heavenly Father uses miracle after miracle to open the doors necessary to help each child find the parents meant to be theirs. We feel that we were very much led through miracles to Bryson and that through miracles he was led to us. We know we will be led in the same way to the future children meant to be apart of our eternal family.
Only those who have adopted or have been apart of the adoption process in some way can fully understand the wonders that take place. Adoption enables you to see so clearly the hand of God working to bring eternal families together. It seems that Heavenly Father uses miracle after miracle to open the doors necessary to help each child find the parents meant to be theirs. We feel that we were very much led through miracles to Bryson and that through miracles he was led to us. We know we will be led in the same way to the future children meant to be apart of our eternal family.
Bryson might be biologically his birth families, but he is eternally ours. We believe that his spirit, although residing in a body not genetically related to us, was meant to be apart of our eternal family from the beginning. We felt it the moment we opened and read Kimbralee's first email to us. We felt it the moment Kimbralee selected us to be his earthly parents. We felt it the moment we first saw him in the hospital all bundled up with a head full of long dark hair. We felt it the moment Kimbralee placed his tiny warm body in our arms and entrusted us with his earthly care. We felt it as tears streamed down our faces in the temple as he was sealed to us for eternity. We continue to feel it each time we see his adorable little face and hug his little body. The indescribable love that floods through our hearts for him is because we know without a doubt that he was truly meant to be ours. He may not have been conceived in my tummy, but he was conceived eternally in my heart.
…and as strange as it sounds, we don't feel like we have missed out on any of the experiences and blessings that come through having biological children. We have experienced every single one of them-- just in a different way.
If we would have known back on May 19, 2003 what we know now, I think we would have rejoiced in the news we received that day instead of grieving. Heavenly Father's plan for us has turned out far better than "our" plan ever could have. What we originally thought was the greatest trial, has turned out to be the greatest gift-- a blessing in disguise given to us from a loving Heavenly Father who knows us perfectly.
Through the process of receiving our precious gift (A.K.A. Bryson), we have learned some things that we will cherish forever:
We've learned that...
- there is purpose behind everything we experience.
- sometimes we can feel the power and love of God strongest in our lives during our darkest times.
- sometimes we have to surrender our desires in order to follow the plan God has for us. Fighting against God's plan, because we think we know what's best for us, only brings bitterness, resentment, pain, and loneliness. Embracing His plan, although it most often means submitting our will, desires, and dreams entirely to His, brings peace, joy, knowledge, and power.
- our Father in Heaven is at the helm of our lives. No matter how miraculous or tragic our experiences, He sits on the throne. He is in control and does not make mistakes.
- if we could only see as He sees, we would see the masterpiece He is creating within us through each tragedy and trial He allows us to experience.
- Heavenly Father will never deprive us of our greatest (righteous) desires. He blesses us with opportunities to grow our patience and faith and then rewards us in ways far greater (and usually different) than our original desires.
We love you Kim! You are our earthly angel. We dedicate this video to you:
Last night while at my parents house I shared this video with my mom and sister-in-law. When Bryson heard it he came over to the computer without us encouraging him to at all and watched it with us so intently. I think somehow he knows.
