Lilly's Sealing & Blessing

Yes, we are still alive! I think this is probably the longest lapse I've had in blogging ever but I have a good excuse--we've been very busy celebrating some very important events in our lives! First and foremost we had the opportunity to have Lilly sealed to our family on March 16th. It was such a special day.


A big thank you to our friend Jared Fadel (check out his amazing portfolio here) for capturing this special day on video for us.

Our adoption journey to Lilly was a very difficult one, but seeing Bryson and Lilly walk into the sealing room in Salt Lake Temple all dressed in white made every heartbreak and tear worth it and I can honestly say that I would go through it all over again just for that moment. It was incredible. Throughout the sealing Lilly was so calm and looked the sealer right in the eyes as if her little spirit understood exactly what was taking place. What a blessing eternal families are!


Our family and friends have been such an incredible support to us throughout this journey. Lilly is beyond blessed to have so many people in her life that love her so much.

Yesterday was Lilly's blessing. The beautiful dress she wore to the sealing and to the blessing was made by Mike's mom and has Lilly's name and her sealing and blessing dates stitched on the back. Mike gave Lilly a beautiful blessing and I had the chance to share my testimony and shared the words of the below song from Lamb of God by Rob Gardner because they perfectly reflect the testimony I've gained through this journey.

I believe these words to be true with all of my heart. I know God hears and answers our prayers and that there is purpose in every heart brake, pain, and tear we shed as we wait for our answers to come--and that when our answers do finally come, they will be far more amazing than anything we could have ever hoped for. Lilly is evidence of that. We love her beyond words and are so grateful to have her in our family.

A Dream Come True

Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord...and are recorded with this seal and testament--the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord.

Doctrine & Covenants 98:1-3 

A year and a half ago, right after we were approved to adopt for the second time, I had a dream. I dreamed I was in a hospital room visiting a woman who had just given birth to a baby. I don't recall seeing the woman's face in the dream, but I knew the woman I was visiting was a birth mother that had chosen me to be the mother of her baby. I sat at the foot of her bed and in my arms was placed a little baby girl. As I sat and looked at her tiny face I remember thinking to myself that she was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen and I remember feeling overcome with joy at the thought of being blessed to become her mother.

When I woke up I excitedly shared the dream with Mike, my mom and sisters and hoped that maybe the dream was a foreshadow of things to come. I was thrilled at the hope of being blessed to adopt a little girl but then a series of very difficult experiences took place over the course of the next year and a half that caused me to completely forget about the dream. During that time we were blessed to meet and build very close relationships with three incredible expectant mothers, all of which were having boys. Unfortunately, each experience ended in devastating heartbreak and left my arms empty, my prayers unanswered and my heart questioning "why?" I have never felt heartache like that before. My heart ached for something Mike & I could never give ourselves but longed for more than anything in this world. I kept feeling this little spirit calling to my heart, but could never figure out how to find my way to him/her. With each birth mom came renewed hope--hope that they were carrying the little spirit I felt tugging at my heart, but each experience only left me more and more crushed and feeling like I was getting farther and farther away from ever finding the little one I was searching for.

After the most recent failed adoption, which left my heart completely shattered, I honestly felt I had nothing left in me to give. I was emotionally exhausted and on the brink of giving up because I just didn't think I could go through anymore heartbreak. This was also the time when Cali was fighting for her life in the hospital (see here), so I was well beyond being emotionally spent

...and then our case worker called. 

She asked if we were ready to jump back into it again and told us there was an expectant mother who had found our profile and wanted to meet us. I told her I didn't know if I was ready, that I was emotionally drained and felt I had nothing left in me to give--however, I knew I needed to press on even though it was hard if I was ever going to find the little spirit waiting to join our family. So I took a deep breath and with all the faith I could muster up told her "okay"

...and that's when we met Amber.

When I think of Amber, tears immediately form in my eyes. Words cannot even begin to express the love and gratitude I feel in my heart for her. She and her family are incredible! When we first met them, Mike and I left feeling as if we had known them before. We immediately felt comfortable around them and they felt just like family.

A few weeks after we met Amber and her family for the first time, they invited us to their home for dinner. As we sat and visited with them after dinner Amber brought out a cute basket full of baby girl stuff and a balloon and officially announced to us that she had chosen us to be her little girls parents...on one condition. The condition was that we name her "Lilly" after Amber's grandmother. We were happy to oblige because Mike and I had yet to come up with a name and because we loved the name Lilly, so Lilly she became.

A week and a half later, Lilly was born on September 7th at 1:39pm. She weighed 6 lbs. 15 oz. and was 19 inches long. We were blessed to meet Lilly for the first time two days later in Amber's hospital room. Mike held her first and then passed her to me. As Mike gently placed Lilly in my arms, the dream that I had dreamed a year and a half before immediately came surging back into my memory. I realized I had been in that very moment before--there, sitting at the foot of the bed with the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen in my arms. I knew right then and there that I had finally found the little spirit I had been searching for--the very one I had felt calling to my heart for so long!

I continue to feel so grateful for each expectant mother who broke my heart, because without them I could have never learned the things I needed to learn in order to find the precious little spirit I KNOW is meant to be my daughter. Each heart crushing blow that I thought was moving me farther and farther away from ever finding her, was in reality paving the path directly to her. And now that she is finally in my arms, I know exactly how I found her --I found her through my trials. I feel so blessed the Lord led me down the path of heartache and pain He did because I know that path taught me things I could have learned in no other way and helped prepare me to be Lilly's mother. The path to our greatest blessings is paved through our greatest trials and God's hands are always over all of it! How blessed we are to have a Father in Heaven who sees the big picture, loves us and knows exactly how and when to answer our prayers!

Placement took place the following evening and was such a bitter sweet experience. As we sat and talked with Amber and her family the feeling of love in the room was indescribable. It was one of the purest forms of love I have ever felt--love entirely focused on the welfare of one precious little girl. As we visited, Mike and I presented Amber with a gift basket filled with things we hoped would bring her comfort as her heart begins to heal. Among the gifts was a quilt my mom made for her and the following poem that Mike's mom (Sharon Miller) wrote that went with the quilt that expresses so well what we feel:

Words cannot express the gratitude we feel in our hearts for Amber and her family. Every time I look into Lilly's eyes I will forever see Amber's selfless love and sacrifice and be reminded of the glory and goodness of our Heavenly Father. We love Amber and feel so blessed to have an open adoption with her so that Lilly can always know her "Mommy Amber" and the amazing family she came from.

Welcome to our family sweet Lilly!

Yard Sale Video to Josh & Cali

Josh and Cali we love you so much and put together this video of the yard sale so you can see how much love and support there has been for you. Thank you again to everyone who donated items and attended the yard sale. It was a huge success and we can't thank you enough! Thank you Heather for organizing it and thank you Taylor for making this video. We love you Josh & Cali!

Yard Sale

I apologize for the delay in posting about the yard sale as I know many have been anxious to hear about it. All I can say is that it was a very humbling event. The yard sale was packed with people all day long who were so generous with their payments and donations. Through the payments and donations received at the yard sale and through the donation funds, we've been able to reach our goal of raising enough money to cover Josh & Cali's medical expenses and we couldn't be more grateful. Many people from Josh & Cali's ward came to help throughout the day and what makes it so amazing is that they weren't even asked. They just showed up because of the love they have for Josh & Cali and because they wanted to do whatever they could to help. The yard sale was only meant to run until noon but because the crowds kept coming and coming, it remained open several hours longer. As a family we want to thank each and every one of you for your very generous donations and support. I know the amount raised for Josh and Cali will mean so much to them and we can't wait to present it to them.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to attend the yard sale because of a previous day-long commitment--however, I was able to help get things set up at the yard sale the night before. I look completely exhausted in this picture because I had just spent the afternoon/evening running a camp fundraiser auction for our Young Women's group and then raced over to help get things set up with the yard sale as much as I could before it got too late. While I was helping, my cute nieces and nephew arrived with a truck load of items to donate. It was such a fun surprise so of course I had to snap a picture.

Here is a slideshow of other pictures from the yard sale:

UPDATE ON CALI: Cali was rushed to the ER again today because she was having a hard time swallowing and had a severe pain in her neck. It turned out to be a blood clot under her collar bone. She will be spending another night in the hospital and should be able to return home tomorrow. We ask for your continued prayers for Cali's physical recovery as well as Josh & Cali's emotional/mental recovery. This experience has really taken a toll on each of them, as you can imagine, and I know your continued prayers will help so much. To continue to follow Cali's recovery, you can visit Cali's mom's blog here: http://www.mikenatalieandalex.blogspot.com/

Home

Cali is out of the hospital...wahoo! She headed home last night and couldn't have been more excited. Josh & Cali will be staying with her parents until she's a little further along in her recovery so she has someone to help her with things during the day while Josh is at work. Again, we cannot thank you enough for your faith, prayers and support on Cali & Josh's behalf. It has been incredible!

Just a reminder about the funds that have been set up to help Josh & Cali with their medical expenses:

ONE: at Zion's Bank under "Josh Hinckley Donation"

TWO: via PayPal at caliandjosh@gmail.com

...as well as the MASSIVE yard sale being held TOMORROW for them from 8:00am-12:00pm at 14525 Camp Williams Road in Bluffdale, Utah. Again you can help by donating items to be sold, spreading the word and/or attending the yard sale and purchasing items. If you have items you'd like to donate, please contact Heather at 801-541-6263 for drop-off locations. We've also created the below advertisement and hope you will share it on your Facebook pages, blogs, Twitter pages, etc. to help spread the word.

We've also had an amazing photographer offer to donate several 30 minute photography sessions for a family up to five for $150 per session  ($5 per additional person). Session comes with 10-15 digital copies on a disk. If you are interested in purchasing one of these photography sessions, please contact me at erin.h.miller@gmail.com for more information.

We hope you will come out to the yard sale tomorrow to help show your love for Josh & Cali. There has already been TONS of really great stuff donated and we have a ton more coming in. It's going to be the yard sale of the century and you won't want to miss it!

Miracles

"And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles." Mormon 9:19

Our families hearts have been so full as we've reflected on all of the miracles--big and small--that have occurred to allow Cali to stay with us on this earth. Little things like:

• how Josh happened to be home at the very time Cali needed him when he normally would have still been at church due to his calling
• how Cali happened to have her phone close enough by her while napping to call Josh for help as soon as she realized something was wrong
• how quickly the emergency crews and air med staff were able to respond and get her life flighted to the hospital
• how the doctor's were able to revive Cali each of the several times her heart completely flat lined during the emergency surgeries she underwent
• how the doctor's emerged from several of the surgeries with tears in their eyes as they spoke of amazing things that occurred that helped them know how to save her

This is only a small list of the many miracles we've seen, but through each one we have truly witnessed manifestations of the Lord's power and goodness. He truly is a God of miracles!

The latest update I received from Josh said that Cali is doing well. She had some unexpected bleeding yesterday and some clots were found near her ovaries but as of this morning, the bleeding has stopped and her vitals are good. Her oxygen has been removed so she no longer has anything attached to her and she has been able to enjoy some precious time with Oakland. She's looking a lot better but is still in a lot of pain and is very weak.

As mentioned in my last post, two funds have been set up to accept donations to help Josh & Cali pay for their medical bills:

ONE: at Zion's Bank under "Josh Hinckley Donation"

TWO: via PayPal at caliandjosh@gmail.com

There will also be a massive yard sale held this Saturday morning (June 23rd) from 8:00am-12:00pm at 14525 Camp Williams Road in Bluffdale, Utah. You can help by donating items to be sold and/or attending the yard sale and purchasing items. If you have items you'd like to donate, please contact Heather at 801-541-6263 for drop-off locations. We've also created the below advertisement and hope you will share it on your Facebook pages, blogs, Twitter pages, etc. to help spread the word.

We know through all of our combined efforts, we can help create another miracle for Josh & Cali by raising enough money to help cover their medical bills so they will have one less thing to worry about as Cali recovers. Josh and Cali have been completely overwhelmed and humbled by the outpouring of love they have felt on their behalf. Your love, faith and prayers have truly helped sustain them through this difficult time. Our family thanks you from the bottom of our hearts for your kindness and generosity. Josh & Cali have truly felt and continue to feel the love demonstrated by this video:

Heroes

Cali is doing wonderful! The last update I got from Josh said that she has been up and walking slowly and that she's eating solids. All of her vitals continue to be good and she is producing her own fluids, so the IV has been removed. The only thing she's still connected to is her oxygen, but she should go off that anytime. Our prayers and your prayers have truly been answered and we couldn't be more grateful. God is good. Miracles do happen!

The outpouring of love for Josh & Cali has been overwhelming! We've been made aware that a donation account has been set up on Josh & Cali's behalf to help pay for their medical expenses (estimated to be over $87,000!). It has been set up at Zion's Bank under "Josh Hinckley Donation." There is also a PayPal account available to send funds through as well. The PayPal account to send donations to is caliandjosh@gmail.com. A massive fundraiser yard sale is also currently being organized to happen in the upcoming weeks where you can donate items to be sold. I will update this blog with the details when they become available. Josh & Cali are not yet aware of any of this yet, but I know they will be beyond humbled and grateful when they find out. Thank you for the generosity and love you have shown. It has been incredible.

Windi, Josh and Amanda. 

These two ladies were a part of the emergency crew that responded on Sunday night. They are incredible and have continued to show their support to Josh and Cali. We can't thank the emergency crews, the air med staff, and all of the hospital staff enough for their talents, their kindness and their support through this experience. This world is filled with extraordinary people. Amidst tragedy, heroes truly are born.

Cali Update

My sister and I went to visit Cali this morning and she is doing great and looks so good! We only stayed for a few minutes, but of course Cali was more worried about us and everything going on in our lives than she was about herself. She asked Taylor how summer school was going and told her she felt bad Taylor had to drive clear up from Cedar City for this. Then she asked me if I was doing okay with the failed adoption we experienced last week and asked if our adoption profile was back online yet (it is by the way...see here). She is seriously such an example to me. Here she is in the middle of her greatest suffering ever and instead of looking inward and feeling sorry for herself, she's looking outward and making sure everyone around her is doing okay. What an example she is of love and perfect selflessness. She is beyond amazing.

Josh told us they helped Cali sit and stand up this morning. It was hard for her but she did awesome. Her vitals are really good and she should be moving out of the ICU very soon. She still can't remember anything that has happened in the last few days. She told me her last memory is from Saturday night when she was with our family by the lake near her home.

Cali's mom sent me a bunch of photos she's taken on her phone to post on here. I double checked with Cali while I was there to make sure it was okay for me to post them and she said it was fine, so here they are:

Answered Prayers

The prayer power has never been tried to its full capacity…if we want to see mighty wonders of divine power and grace wrought in the place of weakness, failure and disappointment, let us answer God’s standing challenge, “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not." ~ J. Hudson Taylor

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for Josh and Cali. To help Josh out, he's dubbed me the official updater, so I'll do my best to summarize because I know many people are anxious to hear the latest. Hopefully I've remembered all of the facts straight.

Like was mentioned yesterday, the doctor's determined Cali suffered cardiac arrest due to an amniotic fluid embolism. It is extremely rare for this to happen in pregnant women, but once it happens and you survive (survival is rare), it's almost certain to happen again within the same pregnancy. They determined there would be no way for Cali to safely finish her pregnancy. The baby up to that point hadn't been affected at all by what happened to Cali and still had a very strong heart beat and was doing great--however, he was not at a developmental stage to be viable and would surely be lost upon delivery.

Cali was thankfully allowed to wake up before the surgery so she could be a part of the decision regarding her baby. There was some initial concern Cali may have suffered some brain or neurological damage but all of those concerns faded when Cali woke up. She was fully aware of what was going on and could move all of her limbs just fine but was unable to speak because of the breathing tube in her throat. Fortunately Cali grew up learning sign language (she has an aunt who is hearing impaired) so she was able to communicate perfectly through sign. Cali's mom and Josh tried to explain to Cali what needed to happen in order to save her life but Cali didn't want to believe it and kept shaking her head in resistance. Then the doctors came in and Cali basically said to them "give it to me straight" and they indeed confirmed that terminating her pregnancy was the only way to spare her life. Cali was completely devastated, as you can imagine, but because there was no other way, she reluctantly gave her permission for the surgery to be performed.

The surgery went as expected and all of Cali's vitals were good as she came out of surgery. Unfortunately things suddenly turned for the worst as she was turned onto her side after surgery. When they turned her, she started hemorrhaging uncontrollably from her uterus and her heart rate skyrocketed through the roof. The doctor's knew they needed to act fast and rushed her back into surgery to try to stop the bleeding. Cali had already lost a person and a half worth of blood through all of this and this new turn of events did not look good. Our family was on pins and needles as we waited in the waiting room and pleaded with Heavenly Father to spare her life. About two hours later, the doctor's emerged from the operating room to tell us that Cali was stable but that they ended up having to remove Cali's uterus in order to stop the bleeding. It seemed to be causing all of the problems. Once they removed the uterus, they were able to get the bleeding under control and gave her clotting factors to help the bleeding stop.

As of this morning, they've been able to remove the breathing tube and Cali is stable for the time being. She was able to call Oakland on the phone and talk to her for a little bit. Josh says she smiles every once in a while but doesn't remember anything short term. Her long term memory is still there and the doctor's think her short term memory should come back as the meds start to wear off. I'm sure this is only the beginning of a very long recovery road for Cali--physically and emotionally--and we're not entirely out of the clear yet, but God has truly answered the bulk of our prayers thus far and we feel so blessed to still have her with us.

We want to thank each and every one of you for your continued faith and prayers throughout this experience. Our family has felt them, Cali has felt them, and we know they've played a huge part in helping the doctor's know what to do to save Cali's life. The doctor's said what happened to Cali is so rare there are only four known cases like it before, so they haven't had much to go off of but they have truly been miracle workers.

We are all aching over the loss of her precious baby but are rejoicing that Cali's life has been spared. We ask for your continued faith and prayers as Cali begins her recovery. I'm sure it will be a long and painful process for her especially as she learns to cope with the loss of another child. My heart just aches for her. But if anyone is capable of enduring it, Cali is. She's proven that in the past.

As Cali quoted on her blog a few weeks ago: “… dark times and trials are important. Trials show us the beauty of God’s comfort. It’s through the comfort we receive from God during our difficult times that we learn how to comfort others. Sometimes the process of growing closer to our Heavenly Father comes along the path of heartache and pain.” I know Cali knows that is true. She is an amazing woman and mother and I feel so incredibly blessed to know her.

Prayers Needed

Saturday evening we spent a relaxing evening with my side of the family at a small lake near my brother Josh & his wife Cali's house. We sat on a hill and ate dinner together while we watched family members take turns riding a paddle boat around the beautiful lake. Cali seemed perfectly fine and told us all things with her pregnancy were going well and that she was feeling good.

However, yesterday things turned for the worse. After church Cali and their daughter Oakland decided to take a nap upstairs on their master bed. While they slept, Josh made himself a pizza and took it down to the basement to eat while he watched TV. About 45 minutes later, he got a phone call from Cali, who was just upstairs, telling him in a breathless voice to come help her. When he got upstairs, he found her gasping for air and going in and out of consciousness. He immediately called 911 and followed their instructions to revive her until the paramedics arrived to take over. They worked on her for several minutes inside the house and then worked on her for several minutes outside the house until the life flight helicopter landed and was able to transport her to the University Hospital.

For those that aren't aware, Cali is pregnant with their third child. Baby Mac, their first child, was stillborn full-term. Oakland, their second child was born healthy, however after giving birth Cali developed a blood clot in her leg from her ankle up to her hip and has struggled with blot clots since then. I believe she has what's called Factor V. Doctors have been monitoring this pregnancy very carefully and she's been on an anticoagulant to prevent the blood clots from forming again--however, the doctors think a blood clot may be the cause of what happened, but they are still in the process of determining the cause of all of this. When I left the hospital last night, Cali was hooked up to all sorts of life support machines and had started bleeding uncontrollably and the doctor's told us if they were unable to get the bleeding under control, they would have to terminate her pregnancy in order to save her. The baby is not viable at this point, which means she would lose the baby if that were to happen. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be for Cali to wake up from all of this and realize her baby is gone...especially after everything she's already been through with the loss of Baby Mac.

We just ask for your prayers on her behalf and on her baby's behalf. Cali is the most incredible woman and mother. She and Josh were the biggest support to us last week through our difficult time because they could relate more than anyone to the loss we were feeling. She and Josh have been through far more than their fair share of trials. Josh needs her. Little Oakland needs her. We need her. Please, please keep her in your prayers.


UPDATE: As of just a short time ago, the doctor's determined the cause of this was due to amniotic fluid traveling up into Cali's heart, which caused her to go into cardiac arrest. It may have also caused some type of neurological damage but they are doing some tests to determine the extent of it. They were able to stop the bleeding and her blood is clotting normally again. Sadly, they will need to take the baby in order to spare Cali's life and will be performing that surgery shortly. Our hearts are just breaking. We are praying and pleading for her recovery.